Ever Had a Conversation with AMAZON?

This is a copy/paste of a conversation I had last night with Amazon Customer Service and then with a representative of  'The Carrier' concerning an item that was delivered, but wasn't, then was ...

It has been edited for clarity, punctuation, grammar, some narration, and stuff like that:

I ordered a cellphone case for my new cellphone on Saturday because it read “Guaranteed Delivery on Monday”.  I understood this to mean that it could be as late as 8 or 9 pm.  But that was cool, I needed it for Tuesday.  As a rule, I only order stuff that says "Guaranteed Delivery by ______" so I can plan to be around when it's delivered, if possible.

While at work Monday, I got the message from Amazon that it was delivered around 10’ish.  

Great.

I go home.  It’s not there.  It’s 5 pm’ish.

After being convinced by the concierge that it’s just. Not. There. And then looking around myself for about another hour, I go up to the apartment and connect to Amazon Customer Service.

Silly me … I thought it was going to be a person.

Messaging Assistant | Customer Service

Hi! It's Amazon's messaging assistant.

So, what can I help you with?

6:40 PM

An item I ordered

6:40 PM

Messaging Assistant | Customer Service

Let's see. Could you select the item you're looking for from your recent orders below?

6:40 PM

6:40 PM

Messaging Assistant | Customer Service

Looks like this item was delivered on Monday.

Could you confirm what went wrong, so I can help?

6:40 PM

Didn’t get it

6:40 PM

Messaging Assistant | Customer Service

Sorry to hear that. Tell me a little more about what happened.

6:40 PM

Package never arrived

6:40 PM

Messaging Assistant | Customer Service

OK, looks like the delivery status may have been updated too soon.

The good news is it should arrive soon. Give us until end of day Tue, Oct 29.

Really appreciate your patience with this. Is there anything else I can help with?

6:40 PM

Yes, I have a different question

6:40 PM

Messaging Assistant | Customer Service

So, what can I help you with?

6:40 PM

An item I ordered

6:41 PM

Messaging Assistant | Customer Service

Let's see. Could you select the item you're looking for from your recent orders below?

6:41 PM

6:41 PM

Messaging Assistant | Customer Service

Looks like this item was delivered on Monday.

6:41 PM

Didn’t get it

6:41 PM

Messaging Assistant | Customer Service

Sorry to hear that. Tell me a little more about what happened.

6:41 PM

Package never arrived

6:41 PM

Messaging Assistant | Customer Service

OK, looks like the delivery status may have been updated too soon.

The good news is it should arrive soon. Give us until end of day Tue, Oct 29.

Really appreciate your patience with this. Is there anything else I can help with?

6:41 PM

Yes, I have a different question

6:41 PM

Messaging Assistant | Customer Service

So, what can I help you with?

6:41 PM

An item I ordered

6:41 PM

Messaging Assistant | Customer Service

Let's see. Could you select the item you're looking for from your recent orders below?

6:41 PM

6:41 PM

Messaging Assistant | Customer Service

Looks like this item was delivered on Monday.

6:41 PM

Didn’t get it

6:41 PM

Messaging Assistant | Customer Service

Sorry to hear that. Tell me a little more about what happened.

6:41 PM

Need a Customer Service Associate

6:41 PM

Messaging Assistant | Customer Service

OK, I'll get someone to help you here through chat.

6:41 PM

OK, get help through chat

6:41 PM

Messaging Assistant | Customer Service

Go ahead and type any details you think would help them understand your issue.

6:41 PM

YAY!  A person!

MICHELLE HAS JOINED & WILL BE READY TO CHAT IN JUST A MINUTE.

Michelle | Customer Service

Hello John,I understand that you have a concern about your order.I am more than happy assisting you today.

M

6:43 PM

This is at least the THIRD TIME that I've ordered something *specifically* because it was to be delivered by a certain date ... and it hasn't. "The delivery date was updated too soon?!" C'mon ... if I need an item that I ordered on Friday or Saturday to be here MONDAY (even by Monday night is good) ... and Amazon says "It'll be there." So we can't trust that? Is that what we're saying here?

(Not mad at you, I know you're just 'the messenger,' but --)

REALLY? C'mon Amazon, what's up?

6:44 PM

Michelle | Customer Service

I'm sorry for the inconvenience you've experienced in this case.

Could you please allow me a minute while I look in to this?

6:45 PM

... sure.  Do you wanna picture like Alexa did?

6:45 PM

Michelle | Customer Service

No, that's not necessary, but thank you for being so helpful!
I can see here that your item was tagged as delivered today at 10:53:49 AM

6:47 PM

Right.

But it's not "in the mailroom," the reception desk doesn't have it (the delivery guys often mark 'Left in Mailroom' when it was given to the receptionist, anyway) ... and it isn't in my mailbox (it's only a cellphone cover) ... it's not here. :/

6:48 PM

Michelle | Customer Service

Oh I see.by the way did you tried to contact the carrier about this?

6:49 PM

How would I go about doing that?

6:50 PM

Michelle | Customer Service

I can give you their contact number or I will just connect you to their department now via chat also.

May I know which do you prefer?

6:50 PM

Sure ... does the carrier have a guarantee policy for when packages aren't delivered as the system says they were?

6:51 PM

Michelle | Customer Service

kindly stay connected while I am transferring you to their department.Thank you.

6:51 PM

My issue: The system says 'Package delivered.' But it's not. The Amazon system says it was delivered, my computer got the message that it was delivered, and I'm pretty sure the carrier's system says it was delivered. But it's not here. So what do we do?

6:53 PM

YAY!  *Another* person!

BRIAN LANCE HAS JOINED & WILL BE READY TO CHAT IN JUST A MINUTE.

Brian Lance | Customer Service

Hello, my name is Brian. Please give me a moment to review the previous correspondence.

6:54 PM

K.  Do you wanna picture of it like Alexa did?

6:54 PM

Brian Lance | Customer Service

Hi John.  Who's Alexa?  Oh.  Very funny.
Thank you for being a prime member, I apologize if you haven't received your package yet.

Can you please provide the shipment address on the account so I can check where it was delivered to.

6:56 PM

** EDITED OUT for PRIVACY **

6:56 PM

Brian Lance | Customer Service

Thank you.

So normally if the driver delivers the package and tagged it as delivered to the mailroom it is handed to the receptionist correct?

6:57 PM

Either or ... there are several options they have, don't know what motivates them to pick which one. If it is tagged "delivered to the mailroom," one would THINK it's in my mailbox ... sometimes it is, but it's *usually* given to the receptionist (they have bins at the front desk and they mark all packages with a Sharpie and file them/stack them in order) ... we looked, it's not here.

6:59 PM

Brian Lance | Customer Service

Okay I see thank you for that information. As per checking there was a second scan made indicating the package was already been delivered and not a mis-scan.

So the next step would be waiting for the grace period to pass on. For us to refund the product as we have a grace period here in Amazon before we consider the item lost or missing.

7:01 PM

?! How long is that !?

7:02 PM

Brian Lance | Customer Service

That would be by tomorrow John. 

(A good salesman believes that he uses first names because customers supposedly like it ... it annoys me.)

This is the grace period of the package.

7:02 PM

Wow, Brian. So, my original question comes back again:  ... if I need an item that I ordered on Friday or Saturday to be here on Monday, Brian ... and Amazon says "It'll be there," I can't trust that, Brian? Is that what we're saying, Brian?"

Then the "Guaranteed delivery by __________ " means what, Brian? There's no guarantee, basically?

What's funny is, another case I ordered (shipping from China) because of this mess may very likely arrive sooner than this one with a "guaranteed" delivery date of TODAY from a local fulfillment warehouse. :/

7:05 PM

Brian Lance | Customer Service

This package was delivered on time wasn't it?

7:06 PM

Ummm, nope.

7:06 PM

Brian Lance | Customer Service

Its just not there correct?

“Delivered on: Monday, October 28, 2019 On Guaranteed Delivery Date”

7:06 PM

Brian. If it's *not here,* but the system says it was , that's delivered?

7:07 PM

Brian Lance | Customer Service

It was delivered.

Yes.

7:07 PM

But it *wasn't!*

7:07 PM

Brian Lance | Customer Service

As long as its delivered its delivered.

It just wasn't received.

7:07 PM

Brian.  Dude.  Delivered = "here." "Not here" = Not delivered.

7:08 PM

Brian Lance | Customer Service

But it * was * delivered.

7:08 PM

Okay, "not received" means ... what?

This is funny.

7:08 PM

Brian Lance | Customer Service

Delivered = * not here * = missing.

I know right. Its funny.

7:08 PM

AH! So if it doesn't show up by 8pm tomorrow ... we're going to say "It was delivered, but it disappeared or was stolen, so we'll send you another one?"

7:08 PM

Brian Lance | Customer Service

As long as its delivered on our end its delivered but it hasn't been received.

7:09 PM

Okay ... "company lingo," I guess.

7:09 PM

Brian Lance | Customer Service

Yes we can resend another one if its not from a third party seller.

7:09 PM

But I still don't have my case for my $1000 phone (which I hope I don't drop until my case gets here!)

Lemme check ... Sold by: EasyAcc.A Store <= does that mean 3rd party seller?

7:10 PM

Brian Lance | Customer Service

Yes.

7:10 PM

So! NOW what?

7:10 PM

Brian Lance | Customer Service

The only option for third party seller products are refund.

7:11 PM

You *know* this thing only cost $5.29, right?!

7:11 PM

Brian Lance | Customer Service

Yes.

7:11 PM

So we're going to leave it at: "If it's not here by 8pm tomorrow (well, if *I don't have it in my hands* by 8pm, even if the computer *says* I do!) ... then I come back here for a refund and I reorder another one?

7:12 PM

Brian Lance | Customer Service

Yes John.

7:12 PM

Thanks for using my name so much, Brian.  It soothes my nerves.

Please thank Alexa and Michelle for me?

7:13 PM

Brian Lance | Customer Service

Hah hah.  Sure.  I'm really sorry that is normally how it goes for packages that are delivered and not received on the same day. We advise to wait up until tomorrow since package can either show up or be found by the next day and if not we do process the necessary actions available for the item.

I do want to prevent this from happening again would you like to include or update the delivery instructions on the account?

7:14 PM

Okay ... I still think the "Guaranteed to be delivered by" needs some work ... YES -- I'll have to update the delivery instructions to read: "HAND-DELIVER ALL PACKAGES TO RECEPTIONIST, *NOT* MAILROOM" Do you think that would work?

( ... actually, I thought I did that at one point already ... )

7:16 PM

Brian Lance | Customer Service

Oh yea I can definitely include that one and add a preferences on just deliver it to the receptionist as an option on the account hold on.

Done.

We appreciate your feedback on that one John thank you.

7:16 PM

And you'll be sending me a complimentary AMAZON t-shirt for my troubles, right? :)

7:17 PM

Brian Lance | Customer Service

As much as I would love to give out a tshirt for you. Unfortunately I'm very limited to only giving out promotional certificate will that work?

7:17 PM

Sure! Can I use it to order another cellphone case?

7:18 PM

Brian Lance | Customer Service

Hah hah.  Well, you can use it on items that are sold and fulfilled by Amazon.

7:18 PM

... Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! That's the trick, then ... I need to remember that "Don't order from 3rd Party guys." Promo cert. would be great, thanks!

7:18 PM

Brian Lance | Customer Service

Hah hah that's all good. Anything else I can help you with today?

I'll send you the promotional certificate information via e-mail okay.

For the case please do contact us tomorrow if its still not found the next associate will assist you on where we left off.

7:20 PM

Sure ... thanks for your help ... I hope I don't drop my phone until 8pm tomorrow.

Brian also recommended a case by "RINGKE," which I also purchased ... and then ...

The case arrived (again – I guess it ‘re-arrived’)  -- 15 minutes after our conversation ended.

I have also now updated my default "Special Delivery Instructions" to read:

UNDER PENALTY OF SEVERE HUMILIATION BY PYGMY CANNIBALS:  

HAND-DELIVER *ALL* PACKAGES TO RECEPTIONIST, *NOT* MAILROOM" REPEAT:  HAND-DELIVER TO FRONT DESK PERSONNAL *ONLY*

30 October Update:  The 2nd cellphone case (the one Brian recommended) arrived today:

JM(M)

New Fiscal Year: New Round of Phone Scamcalls

Last month, I got a call from a number I didn't know. So I didn't answer.  That's normally how it works.

I answered one last week, though, just because I was bored. The gentleman was calling me with an invitation to a *job interview* at the Pentagon!

Go figure.

But last month, my bus was late so I called the unknown number back just for giggles ... an elderly woman answered and proceeded to cuss me out for calling her from my 'blankity blank' Pakistan call center and trying to scam *her*. This lady had called me because she was calling *me* back to bitch about my scam call to her.

We're friends now ... on Facebook.

I've now started calling these numbers back, too, since I've learned more about this "spoofing" thing.  I'm working on a routine just in case I get lucky and I get a spammer in a call center one of these days.

15 minutes ago, I called a number from a call I missed about 5 minutes earlier. They answered:

"Hello, Hanger Prosthetics and Orthotics, can I help you?!" 

Gaaahhh!!! Yep.  Nope, they hadn't called me, the lady on the other end of the phone (that's a dated expression, right?) told me that someone has been making 'scam calls' with their number and she was very sorry and nice and apologetic. I thought about becoming Facebook buddies with a prosthetics clinic, but that's kinda creepy, right?  So we politely finished our chat and I thought I'd tell you about it.

As a matter of fact, as I finish typing this, that same number for fake body parts (now blocked) is calling me back; caller ID: "Spam Risk." BAM.

FCC's advice (and mine):

If you don't know the number, don't answer ... unless it's for a job interview.

Gaaaaaaaaah!!!

"Conversation in the Metro"

A girl on her cellphone is having a ... conversation ... with someone on her cellphone.

It's a loud ... conversation. She's behind me as we walk through the tunnels:

Girl on cellphone: "I know, right?"
Girl on cellphone: "So I said, 'Marie, you ...' I know, right?"
Girl on cellphone: "And then ... I know, right?"
Girl on cellphone: "And Marcus, he just ... I know, right?"
Girl on cellphone: "So - Listen! I know, right?"

I probably should have been laughing to myself but, this kid had one of those voices that made me wince. It hurt. 

So I picked up the pace and tried to discreetly up my stride in an effort to reduce her volume a little.

Girl on cellphone: "That was ... I know, right?"
Girl on cellphone: "Yeah, and ... I know, right?"
Girl on cellphone: "Marcus was there, too ... I know, right?"
Girl on cellphone: "And then Marcus, he ... I know, right?"
Girl on cellphone: "No. Really. I know, right?!"

It wasn't working. 

Since my first attempt to avoid the droning one-sided-yakathon-screecher-conversation failed, I took a shortcut through a parking garage.  Leaving the tunnel should have, A-squared plus B-squared equals, given me about 10 yards or better when I cut back into the tunnel by the Korean guy's store. I thought that would easily take care of Little Miss Monologue.

And -- it didn't work.

I must have slowed down or she sped up during my shortcut-trick. 

Or she ran, more likely, because she was obviously sent by the Devil to annoy me.

Yep.  As I reentered the tunnel, there she was.  Right behind me.  Again.

Girl on cellphone: 

"Hey! Weren't you just in front of me before?"

Me: 

-- JM --

I'm Batman.

This AA Flight Attendant would be almost 90 today.

On the walk to work this morning, I found a young woman's American Airlines ID card and some miscellaneous AA badges on the floor in the Crystal City Shops tunnel.  

They belonged, I was pretty sure, to one of the pilots, navigators, or flight attendants, etc., who often stay in our building during their layovers or whatever they call them.  And I was almost as sure that she dropped them this morning in the middle of her trip to the airport.  If this were a Saturday or Sunday morning, I'd have taken them back to the apartment building.  But today was (well, okay:  is) Tuesday, so it was more likely that she'd soon be arriving at the Metro station entrance (which wasn't even open yet) and I'd be there in about 5 minutes.  Her train wouldn't be leaving for almost an hour.  

I also reasoned that she probably didn't even know they were gone yet.  She probably wouldn't notice they were missing until she tried to board her flight or go through whatever door 'they' go through that 'we' aren't supposed to.   

That would suck.

If she realized her ID was gone before her train to the airport arrived she'd likely head back to the apartments to trace her steps in hopes she'd find what I found.   And, I thought, if I didn't see her on my way to the Metro station, I'd just take them back to the apartment building at the end of the day and leave them at the front desk ... they may even know who to call at AA and advise that they'd been found.

So when I got to the station, there she was.  

Completely oblivious.  

She was staring at something invisible on the ground and trying to pretend she couldn't smell the homeless guy.  Who smelled like day old pee.  You can smell him from 20 yards away -  30 if the wind from the tunnel is good enough.  He's usually there early in the mornings when it's cold.  The gate to the Metro Station wasn't open yet.  

I walked toward her (she matched the photo on one of the badges) and she backed away like I was attacking her.  

"S'this you?"

I held up her badge so she could see her picture.  

It was way early and I'm not exactly a smiley pleasant guy to strangers in the morning (unless that's my job and I'm working), especially when I'm standing five feet away from a guy who smells very strongly of old pee and whatever else he hasn't washed off -- so I didn't blame her for backing off initially.

"Oh my God!" she gasped.

It was like I just did a really cool magic trick.  I looked at the front of her badge to check in case something other than her picture wasn't on it and I didn't, for some reason, think a picture of some dude looked like her.

"Oh my God!"  she said again as she checked her American Airlines scarf and her American Airlines lanyard (where her American Airlines ID wasn't).   And I'm still holding out her badge.

She also fumble-checked the hidden compartment on the back of her special American Airlines-issued "fits-perfectly-in-the-overhead-compartment" flight attendant kit.  It wasn't there either.  And I'm still holding out her badge.

I was kinda wondering what she was checking for ... did she think I was holding out a badge that looked like hers but wasn't really hers?  Maybe she had an extra.  "I'm good, I have one of those already." 

"Oh my God!" she said again.  "Thank you thank you!"

She was probably tired, too.  She had no other words, really.

"You're welcome, ma'am."

I'm Batman.

Who else needs help?

JM(M)